The History of Internet

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Written on 4:07 PM by Sarthak K

Many young people around the world use the internet every day, and yet they have no memory of the history that led to the creation of the global network. Many have no understanding of how or why the internet has developed. Hence this post...

1969
- ARPANET (precursor to internet) invented. (If anyone makes any overused Al Gore jokes they will be beaten unconscious with a 300 baud modem)

1972
- Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniack get stoned out of their minds and build a computer that costs a fortune and runs no software. "Everyone will want one of these!", says Jobs.

1976
- Dr. Robert M. Metcalfe develops Ethernet, later to be replaced by SodiumPentatholNet.

1977
- E-mail invented. most common message: "Let me know when you're there so I can call you"

1978
- Dan Bricklin invents the spreadsheet. It will be 5 more years before anyone knows what they're for, and another decade before anyone knows how to use them.

1981

- Bill Gates embarks on heroic and lifelong quest to piss off every person in America.


1983
- Researchers develop TCP/IP, DNS, IAB, and other important internet acronyms.

1985
- Apple's low-cost computers for schools offers an affordable way to give kids training in software they will never use.

1990

- Scientists develop sexy buzzword "Internet" to replace awkward term "ARPANET"


- First ISP created. Business is slow due to the fact that the Internet has no purpose, nobody knows about it, and more people own Betamax machines than computers.


1992
- World-Wide Web released by CERN. Group suggests someone invent a web browser so people can use it.

- Mosaic - the first major web browser - is released. Users complain that it should support animated gifs, or at least a - blink - tag. Yeah, that would look AWESOME!

1993
- DOOM is released, slowing the network to a near stop, and worker productivity to a total stop.
Parents rejoice as the release of the game frees them from all responsibility for how their kids behave.

1994

- First piece of spam appears in USENET newsgroups and is quickly removed. "Well, that should be the last of that", say users.


1995
- AOL, Compuserve, Prodigy, and other on-line services take off, making heaps of cash. Microsoft execs begin thinking: "Maybe we should look into this internet thing".

- Support for animated .GIF files and MIDI music on webpages becomes widespread. "Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!", scream users.


- Release of Windows 95 and Internet Explorer bring sharp rise in memory sales, profanity use.

- Real Audio released, allowing users to listen to halting bursts of static in real time.


1996
- Instant messaging created as a way for people all over the world to interrupt each other.

- US Robotics releases the 56k modem, allowing users to download even more data before their next random disconnect.

- AOL begins its efforts to make sure that no human being on planet earth is without an AOL sign-up disk.

- Parenting groups become concerned that spending extended time online is depriving children of important time spent watching television.

1997

- Internet introduced to businesses. Worker productivity up 35%.



- Internet Porn introduced to businesses. Worker productivity down 97%.


- Scam e-mails replace oil as the chief export of Nigeria.

1998

- 3lit3 hax0rz, d00d: Teens become most prolific illiterate writers in history.



1999
- Internet gold rush. Silicon valley geeks crushed to death under heaps of investment money.


- Napster introduced. Rampant piracy drives Metallica to life of abject poverty as wandering minstrels. Other artists soon to follow.


- Everquest Released. People give up repetitive, boring, normal lives in exchange for repetitive, boring, virtual lives.


- FARK introduced as a service to help teenage boys locate pictures of breasts on the internet.

2000

- Year 2k apocalypse averted. Populace comes out of bunkers, goes back to playing Everquest as if nothing ever happened.


- The internet is finally given purpose when Scientists Mathew Chapman and Michael Chapman complete their research and bring Homestarrunner technology to the internet.

2001

- EPA warns that entire surface of the earth will be completely blanketed with AOL CDs by the end of 2000.


- Blogging invented. Promises to change the way people bore strangers with banal anecdotes about their pets.

- Napster collapses. Music industry suddenly profitable again, and able to meet insatiable public demand for more boy bands.

- Internet bubble bursts. Investors take back money and hide it under a mattress. Geeks go back to Burger King.

- Cats becomes sole proprietor of all your base. Every Zig moved.

2002
- With the fall of Napster, numerous other P2P networks rise to allow users to share movies as well as music. "I guess we should have seen that coming", says entertainment industry.

2003
- After 43.2 million spams, and over 2.3 billion pop-up ads worldwide, someone buys an X-10 mini cam.


- Still operating after more than three years of service, Zombo is the only successful dot-com to date.

Progress: Since its inception almost 30 years ago, the internet has been transformed from a primitive device for sharing thoughts and ideas, into a massive network where people pay to connect and read advertisements they don't want, while calling each other "asshats".


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